Adam and Eve From Space Indeed!
I am often wrong making predictions, but I feel very confident that school children will find bizarre the notion that space aliens visited Earth thousands of years ago and left Adam and Eve behind to build the human race. Of course, they would have had to have made many other trips before this one to bring all the other plants, animals, and microorganisms that lived here before Adam and Eve. This is only one suggestion being made by some to counter the theory of evolution that is now the basis for all the biological sciences. Their main argument is that life is too complex to have begun by “chance” so it must have been “designed” by something “intelligent.”
The following is a copy of a fictional letter I wrote to a fictional committee advocating the inclusion of Intelligent Design theories in the science classes of public schools in the United States, offering them some visual aids and “helpful advice,” but warning that if they are successful they most likely will come to regret it.
Fictional Open Letter To:
Chairperson, Committee For the Promotion of Intelligent Design
Academic Affairs
Anywhere
Dear Chairperson:
I have been following recent attempts by your group to convince local school boards to require the inclusion of Intelligent Design in the science classes of their public schools so students can learn about the various ways living things might have arrived on Earth. Your group is very shrewd to assert that Intelligent Design is not being offered to rebut the present teaching of the silly theory of evolution, but only to suggest alternatives to it. No sense in stirring up the science lobby yet. As you know, the basis of evolution theory is that trillions of “chance” events, over billions of years, helped produce all living things that have ever existed on Earth, each with perfectly fit features for the particular environment it lived in. When the environment changed, it either adapted or died. I agree with your representatives that since this is a cold, depressing, and highly improbable idea to be teaching school children, they should be made aware of the possibility that all living things, including each one of them, might have been deliberately designed and engineered with a unique set of physical traits and specialized behaviors to play important roles in a long-running movie that was written and directed by the same intelligent designer. School children should know that even though the purpose for the movie, and their roles in it, is not yet obvious, there must be one because the script seems to have been written by something very intelligent. Your representatives also correctly argue that evolution is not fact but theory, children should be taught only demonstrable facts, not theory, and, besides, living things are so complex they could only have been created independently, and only by an intelligent designer. I agree that a direct side-by- side comparison of each explanation should be evaluated by school children so they can decide for themselves which method is more rational. Children should be shown photos and videos of the awesome intelligent designer’s masterpieces engaged in the wondrous activities they were so intelligently designed to perform. So under separate cover I am sending you some personal home videos, snapshots and other videos that I obtained from commercial television broadcast companies that exhibit, in exquisite detail, some of the best examples of Intelligent Design that I have ever seen. Since I am not a very articulate person, and you have very talented, knowledgeable individuals on your staff, I suggest they use these very persuasive images in their presentations to the local school boards whenever they meet to consider the content of school curriculums. Remind your representatives that in the United States they must not suggest or even imply the intelligent designer was a supernatural spirit because the Supreme Court of the U.S. has ruled that the teaching of the existence and actions of supernatural spirits is considered religion which is forbidden by the Constitution to be taught in public schools. For this reason your group should always continue to refer to the intelligent designer as IT. I also suggest they inform the school board that if they decide to include Intelligent Design in the curriculum they should label it as containing very violent content in order to avoid offending the sensibilities of some of the school children and to avoid expensive lawsuits for damaging vulnerable psyches. I would also take care when editorializing about the images to the school board since no one knows who or what the intelligent designer was or what other powers IT might have, and might still be watching and listening, so it is probably prudent not to question IT’s motives or reasons for its designs.
I recently recorded some of the images you will receive. One day while sitting on my back porch I noticed a very large black snake sneaking up on a small mouse that was snacking on some beetles. I grabbed my video recorder because I had a feeling something dramatic was about to happen. Sure enough, while the mouse that was so efficiently designed to crush and digest beetles, was enjoying its lunch, the snake struck, using its perfectly designed fangs, and injected its paralyzing venom into the bloodstream of the mouse. While the mouse was momentarily incapacitated I saw some beetles scramble out of the sides of the mouse’s mouth, saved by the snake. This had to be intelligently designed this way. It could not have happened by chance. With the video camera rolling, I saw the snake begin to greatly expand the opening of its mouth and begin swallowing the mouse head first. By the time the snake had gotten half of the mouse into its mouth I noticed the hind legs and tail of the mouse begin to move violently and I would swear I heard faint squeals escaping from the sides of the snake’s open mouth. The renewed activity of the mouse was probably due to the wearing off of the venom allowing the mouse to see and recognize the horrible experience it was about to endure. Of course, the potency of the venom was designed to wear off early so the mouse’s gyrations would help the snake swallow. Kind of like being in quicksand. The more you move attempting to escape, the faster you sink. This was a very intelligent design and could not have happened by chance. The very strong hydrochloric acid in the mouse’s stomach was intelligently designed to act in unison with bacteria that was also designed just for this purpose, to digest the mouse so the snake could absorb the decomposition products for the nutrition and energy it needed to continue the hunt for other mice and intelligently designed creatures. It was also designed to reproduce so its offspring could continue these important activities until it becomes time for this kind of snake to become extinct, which was intelligently predetermined when the snake was designed. Isn’t it wonderful? What an awesome plan. This could not have happened by chance!
About this time my wife came out onto the porch and said, “Look at the beautiful sparrow bathing and fluttering its wings in our bird bath. Look at the sun’s rays streaming through the leaves of the trees and glancing off the rippling water. Please turn the video recorder on because this scene could only have been created by an intelligent designer. You know it could not have been created by chance.” Of course, I acceded to her wishes but not before the scene changed abruptly. The sparrow had used its perfectly designed wings to fly over to one of our Crepe Myrtle trees and began to capture and swallow some Japanese beetles and other intelligently designed insects that were feeding on the tree’s nectar. Of course, the nectar would have only been used for the tree’s nutrition so the intelligent designer made some extra for the beetles. Could only have been thought of in advance by an intelligent designer. Could not have just happened by chance. Just then the sparrow tired of its beetle diet and dropped to the ground and grabbed a worm. Again with the camera rolling I witnessed the worm, that was obviously designed so the sparrow could capture it without too much difficulty, squirming to escape but quickly disappeared into the sparrow’s mouth to face the same fate as the mouse. While the sparrow was doing what it was designed to do I heard some frantic chirping noises and looked up to see and record a hawk in the sparrow’s nest. It had one of the sparrow’s babies in its mouth and two being held by its perfectly designed talons and then, using its perfectly designed wings, carried them back to its nest. It was the most efficiently designed raid I have ever seen. It had to have been designed this way. Could not have happened by chance. I continued to watch and record with wonderment as the hawk used its beak, that was curved and razor sharp which could only have been intelligently designed, rip apart the flesh of the still live babies and swallow them to obtain its morning’s nourishment. While still in awe contemplating how intelligent the designer must have been, I heard some crows arguing over the contents of another sparrow’s nest that contained several eggs. One of the crows won the argument and began to use its perfectly designed beak to crush and eat the unhatched contents of the eggs and I noticed some of the solids and liquid dripping from the sides of its beak. Some of the ooze had gotten on its feathers so it flew to the bird bath and washed up. I again thought to myself what a perfectly designed system. It could only have been accomplished by an intelligent designer. It could never have happened by chance.
Things settled down while the snake and the hawk rested and digested their meals. Just as I started to go inside I saw the hawk swoop down, grab the snake by its tail with its perfectly designed talons and carry it over to a dead tree trunk. While perched on the tree trunk and still holding the snake down, the hawk began using its razor sharp beak to rip chunks of meat starting at its tail. The snake began violent gyrations and tried its best to reach the hawk with its perfectly designed fangs but to no avail. The hawk continued its meal until it had consumed about half the snake when I noticed that the snake had died. Being full, I suppose, the hawk returned to its nest to rest and wait for another opportunity. While the hawk was resting, a perfectly designed buzzard came out of nowhere and grabbed the snake carcass and flew away. Of course, the buzzard had been witnessing these events just as I had been, but was watching from a long way away because a buzzard was intelligently designed with the correct vision to spot dead carcasses from a great distance. I packed up the cameras and started inside because it was getting dark. Just then I noticed an owl perched on the apex of the roof of my neighbor’s tool shed. Since I had some film left and an old video camera equipped with night vision, I decided to stay a little longer. To my amazement, the owl swiveled its head all the way around and spotted a baby bunny rabbit scurrying into some bushes. By now I’m sure you know that the swiveling ability was intelligently designed because the designer knew that an owl would have to have this ability to complement its intelligently designed night vision eyes. The owl swooped into the bushes and grabbed the baby bunny rabbit that was perfectly designed to multiply quickly because it was intelligently designed to have no defenses against owls. Obviously, this perfect plan could not have happened by chance.
After meditating for a while, I realized the owl, crow, buzzard and hawk were the only players that came out okay this day but did notice the crows were inching closer to the hawk’s nest and eyeing its eggs while the hawk was eating the snake. It was time to go to bed and contemplate what other marvelous things I might witness tomorrow.
I sincerely hope these visual aids will be helpful to your representatives. However, as a word of caution, I would alert you to the strong probability that after seeing some of these images, some members of the school board might bait your representative with the question of why the intelligent designer didn’t just design and provide a special food supply for each of its designs so they would not have to eat each other, and in light of the fact it did not do so, was the intelligent designer a loving and compassionate one or a cold cruel one? Be very sure the representative answers that no one knows because no one knows what IT was or is. Each person must judge for himself or herself based on whether he or she favors the beetles, trees, worms, bunny and mouse or whether they are rooting for the snake, sparrow, hawk, owl or crow. If any member asks about any of the seeming design flaws, like the presence of a useless human appendix, the inexplicable presence of a human embryonic tail still visible one month into development, the human female’s pelvic opening being too small for pain-free delivery of a child, or a human’s mouth being too short for its wisdom teeth, simply answer that humans can’t possibly understand all the factors an intelligent designer had to consider and, besides, we were obviously designed not to understand so we would not be distracted when performing the two primary tasks that all living things were so intelligently designed for, feeding and breeding.
Your representative will also most likely be asked about the causes for human disease and abnormalities that cause so much suffering. Be sure to avoid suggesting that IT designed these conditions as retribution for disobedient behavior because it would imply IT was a living supernatural being with human emotions. In my opinion, this would definitely be a violation of current law. Just say that you can never know why, but IT considered and approved the entire life plan for each and every one of its designs before they were even born, so we must accept things as they are. The committee will certainly make sure the children learn this uplifting message.
Since most school board members are not scientists, the topic of multiple intelligent designing over time is not likely to surface. But if asked why are research scientists periodically finding and reporting new varieties of very old designs, simply suggest that scientists operate a clique whose purpose is to keep new generations of school children from focusing on the real way they have arrived on Earth and the scientists take turns pretending to make these discoveries. Also, a subtle suggestion of a vast left wing conspiracy might be effective with certain members. Assure the board that if they approve Intelligent Design for their schools, the school children will learn once and for all that everything must have been made by an unknown intelligent designer, with infallible forethought, at essentially the same time, with perfect features for killing and devouring each other for food, and they should consider it to be wonderful!
I sincerely believe that if your representative heeds my advice, uses my visuals as I have suggested, together with all the other visual aids in your group’s arsenal showing living things efficiently killing and devouring other living things, I believe the school board will agree it is strong evidence for Intelligent Design. Like you, I believe that when all this powerful evidence is considered by impressionable school children along side the silly theory of evolution, the children will know for sure which is true, and whether the intelligent designer was loving or cruel.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
Floyd J. Glidewell
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